The Bright Side
It’s 12:57 in the afternoon and I feel alive. In this context, it is not a term of exuberance, but merely just a feeling. I am present, I am breathing, I am hungry; therefore, I am alive. It reminds me of my freshman year high school Spanish class, when the teacher would always ask the class, “Como estas”, and sometimes my response would simply be, “estoy regular”. I am happy to be alive. I’ve spent the past three years on a roller coaster of experiences and emotions that have affected me in many ways. Ways that were both in and out of my control. These experiences have shaped me so well, and regardless of any situation being good or bad, I truly love who I have become, and am continuing to become. So here is a little timeline of these past 3 years.
2016
I began to take my acting journey serious and I went on a series of auditions. I would say I auditioned 3 times a week. I had an agent for a couple months and then she quit the the agency. There were a few things I was cast in but then, not really. Either, I didn’t hear from the people again, the script was awful, or the director decided to go a different route.
I talked to a few guys and that ended in me deciding to just focus on myself. If you listen to my music, this was the year I came up with the hook for “Wasting My Time”.
I began Instagram modeling.
I had an amazing summer with my friends.
By the end of the year, I had financial issues. I couldn’t make a few monthly payments, and I began to stress myself out over it.
I hated where I was in life. I was working so hard to make something of myself, and things were not working out.
I was depressed. It had been a year since I graduated college and I felt so useless. I was broke, my love life was a joke, and I faced so much rejection with the career path I chose. I felt lost. I could feel the depression and it even appeared all over my face. I had the worst breakout due to my stress levels, which stressed me out even more :).
This was the year I learned to make better choices. I learned not to dwell too much on situations that I just have to deal with.
2017
I actually began working on music at the very end of 2016, but this was the year I began to take my music career seriously. I completed my first 3 songs ever, Standards, Type Of Girl, and Nappy.
My Twin had twins! I became a god mommy of two beautiful baby boys.
I performed original music for the first time.
I met a guy, we fell in love immediately, and he dismantled my heart abruptly. (the story is CRAZY, and I learned the dude was actually mentally ill)
I lost nearly 15 pounds because I just could not eat after my heartbreak. (which still upsets me, because I am so grateful for that breakup, you have no idea).
My Instagram modeling was booming.
I released two singles, Standards and Type of Girl.
I shot my first music video for Nappy, and had an amazing release party for it.
I shaved my hair off and dyed it grey and then pink (Which I actually wanted to do for a while, but the timeline is a little suspicious, I know).
My first song, Standards made it on a major blog, Earmilk :).
It was a weird year, because I was finally doing something I loved, and I felt fulfilled in it. I started the year making a lot of money and I went on some fun trips. But I was so hurt from that sudden breakup that it felt like the worst year ever. It was my first real relationship and breakup left me confused. I would wake up at 4 in the morning everyday, and I didn’t know why. However that break up encouraged me to triple my work ethic and really dive in on my career. This is what inspired my song, Sad Summer.
2018
I dropped my first music video, for my song, Nappy, right at the beginning of the year, and it received a lot of attention on social media. It also made it on 6 blogs.
I continued working and putting out more content. My Instagram modeling continued to blossom.
I met a guy, and got into another stupid relationship, that ended on a much better note. I was played on multiple occasions, of course.
I had a lead role in an off - off broadway play.
I traveled to Barbados, Amsterdam, and London.
I dropped my second music video for my song, Type of Girl.
I met some amazing people through out the year.
I fell right back into my financial issues.
This year seemed like a great year but I did not accomplish 80 percent of my goals. I had a major setback due to all those trips and that pointless relationship. I felt as though I was repeating the same mistakes, and began to become disappointed in myself. However I was still pleased with how the year turned out, and very was grateful for lessons I got out of this year.
2019
I started going to therapy. I was still pretty broken from my past relationships that I started to question myself due to the way I had been treated by men. I hated where I was at the beginning of this year, because I expected myself to be much further along in my career. I was becoming frustrated with the work I was putting in to my career not making much a difference. I felt a lack of support from friends and family. I felt like my work was not being received well, and till this day I am still very disappointed in my stream numbers and the viewership on my music videos.
I dropped two new singles with amazing promotional videos.
I got fired from a job, for no reason at all.
I dropped my first project, and had an amazing release party.
I began collaborating with dope artists.
I found out that my family and I had lost our house, and got nothing from it.
Financial Issues!
I couldn’t find a new job.
I moved in with my Twin.
This year is not over, so it can definitely end on a high note. However this was still a difficult year for me. I was able to deal with everything I had been going through due to the fact that I have been mentally preparing myself to handle every situation with so much strength. I decided to stop seeing my therapist and just communicating with my friend Diamond, who is significantly better. I learned that I have the best fucking friends anyone can ever ask for, so fuck questioning myself over corny ass men, I attract the DOPEST friends ever. I’m still learning to be patient with the career path I chose, but due to all my financial issues and my living situation, I’ve really been praying for a miracle.
In all of this I was dealing with relationship issues, financial issues, and feeling lost in life. I spent so much time focusing on the bad, that I forgot how much I had actually accomplished all this time. I forgot about all the people surround me with so much love and support. We tend to do that. We tend to be so wrapped in all the negativity we’re facing, that we ignore the good. We have to learn focus on the lessons from the negative situations we face, and to celebrate all of our positive outcomes. Although we have every reason to be upset about everything we have been through, we should not allow it to have so much power over us. Regardless of what you’re going through, you have to just accept that you’re going to go through it. Its going to happen, you’re going to go through it, so you just have to face it with strength. When we lost our home, my mother shared stories of people in far worst situations than us. She mentioned that we still have all our belongings, we are still alive, and we still have each other. That changed my perspective on so many things. It is so important to look on the bright side of any outcome to prevent yourself from allowing a situation to swallow you whole.
The greatest gift I received in these past 3 years was the opportunity to reflect on my experiences and truly learn about myself.
Written September 11, 2019